finding out the reason why I am feeling so moody

I woke up this morning telling Papa (the word I am using for God) that I really didn’t want to write in my blog this morning and make it public. I sensed that Papa was speaking to me. I can’t say I am one hundred percent sure it was Papa, and if these were his exact words. Papa’s words are in italics.

I understand that you are uneasy about sharing vulnerably to just any one.

That’s right. People might critisize me or think I am crazy.

I hear that you are afraid of what people might think because you want reassurance from them that you are not crazy.

Well, when you put it that way, I realize that I am once again thinking and caring too much about what people will think. My whole experiment in living in the garden of agape love was to be so full of love that those thoughts that people might be thinking won’t even affect me.Okay, I am willing to do it. I am sensing that this is something you want me to do.

Yes, it is something I want you to do because I want people to learn how to sense my voice. It is really hard for people–they are too busy listening to other people’s voice and caring what others might say. This is the biggest hindrance to hearing my voice.

I created people so that they would have a deep sense of wanting to belong. As a member of the trinity, this is totally a part of who I AM. We are community, belonging to each other. But we are equal. And we don’t do things because we are worried about what the other will think.

Okay, I think I am getting it. Let me see if I can articulate with my own thoughts. Then I will check in and see if I got it right, okay?

Sounds good to me:)

You created us to be individuals with own separate bodies, minds, spirits. We each have unique gifts and talents to share. We are made of your energy — the dust of the earth it says in the bible–which is made of atoms and particles and down to the essence of who you are.

You created us in your image. You are part of the trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. These are words, symbols that most closely describe who you are so we can relate to you. Words are not what you are–but they lead me to understanding. That is why you planted the Holy Spirit in us so that we could understand from our hearts, from our essence.

Although we are individuals, we are meant to be one. Our skins separate us from others, but really if you looked at a very powerful microscope it would appear that we are all part of a great energy field–we are truly all one.

Having separation helps each of us to express different qualities and different aspects of you, the holy community. We are meant to live like you and with you in community.

Just about everything we do pulls us away from that. One of the biggest things is to worry about what others will think of us. When I worry about what others think, I am actually making them out to be bad guys. I am not seeing them with love. I am seeing people as enemies who want to pull me down.

Yes, there are times to be quiet and discerning. I already experienced the experiment of speaking every thought and feeling that went through my mind when I first started learning nonviolent communication. Writing is the same way, because I do want to protect others. I don’t want to share things that others might not want known.

But for some reason I am in this space where I am thinking that you, Papa, want me to be totally transparent and pass a kind of test where I no longer need to worry about what people will think.

I think you want me to have a sense and a world view that I am part of a huge community made up of everyone in the world. If that is true, then to be a healthy community I need to be transparent as much as possible, and to see fellow members of my community as  my friends.

Too often I see people as enemies to be feared and blocked out. I have automatic reactions which I hate to say it since I see myself as so liberated–but they are prejudice.

I think you are wanting me to be grounded in the belief that everyone is either offering love or asking for love–just often times people will do so in tragic ways that I choose to be hurt by.

One of the biggest blocks to hearing your voice, and hearing the voice of truth, is being busy second guessing and assuming what everyone is thinking. If I can get into the habit of assuming that people are either offering or asking for love, then I can once again be free to experience the bliss I experienced when I felt this truth with all my being.

A few weeks ago when I had the experience of bliss, really experiencing with every cell in my being this truth that you, Papa, love me so much, and you love every one so much, and you want to be intimately involved in our lives, I felt so high. I also experienced the truth that everyone is simply asking or offering love but often in tragic ways. I really believed that I could stay in that space forever.

I have heard of people having blissful awakening experiences, people of many faiths. I never thought I would have one–I’m not sure why. None of those people could sustain that experience with out some spiritual practice. The man who wrote PRACTICING THE PRESENCE OF GOD was able to figure out how to keep the feeling of bliss no matter what he was doing. I liked the book, but it never did much for me in terms of bringing me bliss.

I think that you give us this experience so that we can get a taste of what it can be like, and then I will yearn for that feeling, which is what we are naturally meant to feel.

Now I have to choose every moment to be aware of your love. In order to sustain the feeling of love for everyone that I had, which I call blissful, I need to take every thought captive as Paul would say. But that is rather a violent term, and so I want to make a different vision. I want to make every thought my friend and find out what it is wanting and needing. I want to embrace every feeling as a member of my inner community and help it to get to a place of love.

I am thinking that in this new age that we are entering into, the violence is really going to be out of place. The Old Testament was so violent because people saw you through their filters of a stern, angry, jealous father. They misread you and thought you said to do things like kill every man, woman, child and animal in one country. I just can’t believe that you really said that, because you are not stupid, Papa.

I have asked people what they think of this passage where Saul is ordered to perform this dirty deed. One person who loves Jesus very much said that you knew that everyone had to be killed so that those nasty seeds of badness could not be spread around. But there were lots of nasty seeds of badness everywhere–just killing everyone in one country is not going to do the trick of getting rid of all that evil. I think you are a logical, smart Papa–I don’t think that was your desire–for genocide.

In this new age, we are more and more using gentle, non-violent images. The whole concept of seeing people through a lense of understanding and empathy, and a world view of the idea that everyone is basically good is what you are wanting and guiding. The mind set that we are all basically evil and we have to struggle to keep those evil tendencies under control–even those of us who have given our lives to Christ–is a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I think that other people, including my children, are basically bad and I need to control them, I fail at connecting and experiencing unconditional love.

Well, I am really thinking I better clean this house where I am house sitting because I don’t know when Susan is getting home. I hope it is okay with you if I stop now, because I could go on forever and ever amen:) And how to you feel when I say all this?

Yes, it is good that you wind down. I just want to tell you that I feel delighted when I hear your words. I see that you are understanding what the purpose of your experience of bliss was. You have had revelations in your life not because I gave them to you at certain times–but because you were in a place to receive them. I made you for constant revelation and blissfulness. When you used to go backpacking,you would get far away from all the influences of society, and you were more open to me and my thoughts. You experienced the bliss recently because you were alone in a  quiet, beautiful, country setting.

I sense that you are in a hurry and thus are not able to listen clearly now. Go my child and do what you know is responsible, and you can come back and talk when you are more at peace. I love you so much and I feel very happy to see that you are learning the foundational lessons of loving everyone unconditionally,


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