Talking to God..some ramblings of my heart

I continue this experiment of having quiet time with Papa (God) almost first thing in the morning. The words in italics are those that I am sensing Papa  is saying to me. Here goes…

I woke up this morning, Papa, and read the bible. You know I found the Phillips translation of the new testament, and I think I am going to like it. The words are big enough to read with out magnification, and they are easy to understand. Someone whom I trust told me that this was a good translation, and when I saw it at the thrift store it kind of jumped out at me. I have been wanting to want to read the bible. I was into it for a while, but the strange thing is I keep losing my bible. This time I am going to put it in a case and just carry it permanently in my pack, making it as important as my computer and calendar. I do believe I need to start studying it for myself.

I find myself editing this so much because I know people are going to read it. I hope it is okay that this is a public conversation. I feel so torn because on one hand I want to share this with people in order to encourage them to have more intimacy with you. On the other hand, I have a lot of fear of what people will say. Yet that is what I am working on–it seems my biggest lesson is to hear your voice of love, rather than these voices of critisism and condemnation. The voices sometimes come from within, and sometimes people do say words that tell me that I am way off base spiritually.

There is so much to say, and so little time this morning. I think I could spend the whole day just writing to you and talking to you that way. Yet I have a list a mile long that is calling to me. What to do?

Remember dear Patricia, Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..and all these things shall be added unto you. Put first things first. Your time with me is essential. to connect with me and my love is what will save you time because you will make wise decisions. We need to co-create this day you have before you. You need me. I need you.

That seems so weird–that you might need me. But I have always liked the idea that we humans are the hands and feet and heart of Jesus. How I yearn to really be Christ to people. To be the living proof that you exist. That seems so presumptuous, also.

I am feeling rather overwhelmed and sad this morning. I re-read my statement of faith, something I really believe that you inspired me to write. I felt so much bliss at that time. So much confidence in your goodness. I was convinced I would never lose that feeling.

Yet I am realizing that when the uncomfortable feelings come over me, that is time for me to find my way back to peace. The feelings are a signal that I am separated from you. And when I am in peace and joy–I feel a gratitude towards you and a connection with you. I was listening to a preacher say, “We only go to you when we are desperate.” I don’t feel that way any more. I just love to feel your presence and think about how much you love everyone and me.

When I first wrote my statement of faith, I was overwhelmed with love for people, animals, plants and even cockroaches. Everything was a reminder for me that you love me. The whole ecology of our world where the trees breathing out becomes the oxygen we need, and our breathing out becomes the carbon dioxide (I think that is right) that the trees need.

Yet as I get farther away from the experience, it is harder to stay in that space. I lost my temper for the first time in ten days yesterday, when I blurted out some words that were definitely not in the model of nonviolent communication. Robert said something that pushed my buttons–and off I went.

How relieved I was, though, that we didn’t have a prolonged argument, and I used the love letter technique of writing out my anger and other underlying feelings down to the unconditional love. I wrote out all my anger and then I was so tired I just laid down and went to sleep. I woke up not even remembering what I was angry about. I went to meet Robert at the job we are working on, and he was all cheery. What a relief that he didn’t hold onto it. We talked about it later and cleared some things up that were on my heart. I realized that I was doing exactly what I was judging him to do. I was focusing on how he was not improving, rather than all the improvements he had made.

Okay, I have been writing a lot. I want to let you put in a word edgewise!

Dear Patricia..you were receptive to my spirit during that time about ten days ago and you were able to really feel my presence of love. You were out in a peaceful, quiet place which is one thing that contributed to your peace. You were also desperately wanting to, once and for all, be done with your freaking out times.

You will still need to be diligent in exercising practices and habits that help create an environment where I can speak to you and you can hear my voice. I am always speaking life into you, but sometimes you can’t hear me.  You had special grace during that time to just get a sense of what it would feel like to love everyone one and really see how people are only either offering love or requesting love–just often in tragic ways.

Now it is going to take a bit more effort if you don’t spent time with me every day–focussed in the morning. This time is precious, and to be guarded. Read your bible, even if just for a few minutes. Write to me as you are doing. Meditate even if it is for a minute. Pray and cry out to me. Then it will be easier for you to stay in a place of peace all day.

I know that you long to know the truth of who I am, and who Jesus is. You struggle because you can’t believe that I would send people to hell. Remember, people send themselves to hell when they choose to be independent from me.

Yet I have created this world so that eventually all will return to me because more and more people will share my love, and they will see me for who I really am. Your job is to inspire leaders to be the love that I am, not so much to speak about the love. Their lives must demonstrate on every level the integrity of my love and truth. Yes, speaking is important so that you can learn. But being love–demonstrating it–will win the people over more than anything.

Your dreams of helping every church be a community center, open 24 hours a day for people to come who are hurting–can come true. Your dream of creating a training center and curriculum to train neighborhood bridge builders who will help neighborhoods become thriving, self-reliant villages can come true. With me all things are possible. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Just keep me at the center of all that you do, and all these things will be added unto you.

Continue to let your feelings be your guide. If you have uncomfortable feelings, love them and understand them as you would a child. Remember that I love everyone and everything and every feeling. I appreciate how you want to receive everything in your life with love. In that way, the negative energy is swallow up and dissipated.

Oh, Papa, are you really saying these things? I think that they are all true. I think that the goals I have are serving your purposes. My biggest question is where does Jesus fit into all this? There are the people who are so convinced that Jesus is the only way to you. I get confused. I am afraid to ask you because I am afraid my thoughts will cloud the answer. But I am receptive.

I am Jesus. Jesus is me. Of course this is confusing. You know you have studied so hard to understand this truth. I understand how you are confused for just because someone seems to be sure of himself, and just because a lot of people follow that person does not mean that they are speaking the truth. You know that, but you forget.

I have created you for a purpose–to build bridges between the different view points. Just keep cultivating a relationship with me so that you can know who I am personally. Keep focusing on the most important thing–that people are suffering terribly, and others are profiting by that knowingly or unknowingly. Keep focusing on alleviating the suffering.

Remember to prioritize your family in all this and do not get caught up in saving the world. You can have this as a vision, but it is a temptation for you to forsake your family. That is the time when you get discouraged.

These things will happen in the right time without you having to make a huge effort.

Listen to me every moment, see through the eyes of love, remember that I love you and everyone so much. These things will continue to help and strengthen you. I love you so much, Patricia. You have so much to give, and I want to help you. You see that so many people need my love, and remember that you can do all things through me-for I will strengthen you.

Thanks so much Jesus. That was helpful. I hope that was you speaking. I need to go an just weep and cry to you without words and typing…I know that after I grieve for your precious creation I will feel better and be able to get on with my day.

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