Krishnamurti and I have reconciled after he contributed to me wanting to commit suicide

Thirty five years ago when I was nineteen, I was living in a beautiful country home near Colombo,  Sri Lanka. I had been traveling by myself for nine months having had a revelation at age eighteen that I was supposed to travel in order to find my “niche.”  After having adventures going overland from Germany on the Orient Express to Turkey, taking a “freak bus” through Turkey and Iran to Afghanistan, and winding my way through Pakistan and India, I had arrived at the most beautiful places I  had ever experienced, Sri Lanka. I should have been happy by now, it seems.

But I was so lonely. I was so depressed. I was so longing to find fulfillment. I had read countless books, having so much time on my hands, mostly classics by Russian authors (who are pretty heavy!) like Doystovyeski and Tolstoy. I picked up a book by Krishnamurti, a teacher from India and read it while in Sri Lanka.

I still remember how the book triggered deep feelings of hopelessness. I don’t know exactly what he said, but I felt so discouraged that I just wanted to end my life. Fortunately I am not that creative with weapons, and terrified of getting cut by a knife, and had no real ideas about how to commit suicide.

So I went to Colombo on the bus, wandered around, and saw a movie called Godspell. It was a musical about the story of Jesus with music that I still consider my favorite, including the classic, “Day by Day”. My spirits were lifted just a little bit when I saw the gospel presented in a way that I could receive. The combination of music, dance, comedy, and heartfelt expression really touched my heart. I went back to the same movie six more times in the next six days, and my depression lifted.

I felt somewhat resentful of Krishnamurti. I blamed him for my depression. Whenever I would hear someone mention him, I would get a twinge of uneasiness, and wonder, “How could anyone see any thing in Krishnamurti!”

About six months ago I started an organizing job for a person who really loves the teachings of Krishnamurti. As I continued to do jobs for he and his partner, I felt very connected to them. One thing I like about organizing jobs is that most people become my friends because we are in such a cooperative, helping relationship–we can’t help but develop a nurturing relationship.

So yesterday when I did a particularly satisfying job of helping him with very challenging paper work sorting and system development, I asked him if he would lend me a book by Krishnamurti, which he did. I also told him and  his partner about my experience with Krishnamurti. He suggested that if a person is really depressed, it is better not to read this teachers writings. I suggested that maybe it would have been better for me to read Guideposts back then, and we all had a good laugh.

As we were sorting papers, my client had come across some quotes by Krishnamurti which intrigued me, and I was eager to find out if Krishnamurti and I were on the same page. Could following Jesus and accepting Krishnamurti’s teachings be compatible? Or would I be inspired to let go of my faith after hearing K’s wisdom?

I went to the health food store, delaying my reading because a friend wanted me to show him around Facebook, which I was glad to do. As I settled down with my salad, being VERY careful not to get any food on the book, I started reading Krishnamurti.

I was delighted to find out that his words really touched me deeply.  I only had time to read about ten pages out of the book, but the message I got was that it essential for me to determine for myself what I truly believe, and not be influenced by pressure from others.

“All authority of any kind, especially spiritual, must be totally set aside, because authority implies conformity, obedience, acceptance of a certain pattern.”

This sums up the essence of I came to just in the past week, preceding my revelation of my purpose being to live in the garden of Agape Love. I realized that our highest need is to belong, and in order to belong, we give up our beliefs that don’t please those with whom we want to belong. We have a constant choice–to belong to Papa God (or Truth and Love) or to people. The ideal is to belong to both–but belonging to to Truth and Love must be the highest priority in order for me to be true to my Self.

It is not easy to read Krishnamurti. Yet it is very wonderful to find out that I can read him and feel uplifted, inspired, and that he helps me to understand even further these realizations I have experienced.

My dream is to have reconciliation with every human being that I have and issues with, and every human being who has issues with me. I want to be connected in love to every living creature, and every rock, and every cockroach and mosquito and slug as well. So with that goal in mind, I can celebrate that I have had reconciliation with Krishnamurti. Even though he is long dead, he still lives by his influence. And maybe, who knows, he may have reincarnated as some wise being. I don’t even want to resent dead people (like Hitler or Napoleon or Genghis Kahn).

I look forward to writing, thinking, and experiencing how the teachings of Jesus and Krishnamurti are similar. I look forward to exploring the similarities between how the new reformation in Christianity and the teachings of Krishnamurti. I yearn to help build bridges between various islands of groups who think they believe differently and aren’t compatible.

 “There is no how, no system, no practice.” These are Krishnamurti’s words that probably lead to my discouragement. I wanted someone to take me by the hand and show me the way to true happiness and peace. I didn’t realize that I could have a relationship with Jesus, who also preached against system and practices. Jesus wants my heart to be changed so that I spontaneously and willingly love all the time. When I committed my life to Jesus eight years ago, and started wholeheartedly studying his teachings and experiencing the love of his followers at Living Springs, the neighborhood where we live, I found that my heart was changed an I experienced a deeper happiness and peace than every before.

Yet when I was confronted with a choice of belonging to the church or proclaiming my belief that the Bible was not inerrant, I ultimately chose Krishnamurti’s way–you can’t find truth in words in a book. The words point the way, but they are not the way. Saying the Bible is inerrant, to me, is making an idol of the Bible, and discounting the importance of the relationship with Jesus which has been what has transformed me.

I feel grateful that I am strong enough in my faith walk that I can explore all teachings and discern for myself what appears to be true. I do think there is an absolute truth–I just don’t think it can be state in words, but my dream is to live in alignment with the universal principles that are the straight and narrow path to the heaven of true peace and happiness in the now.

Thank you, dear organizer client, for being a person who demonstrates kindness and compassion to me. You are a living testimony for the truth of Krishnamurti’s teachings. If a person is following truth, then the fruits will be those qualities of the spirit that contribute  to the well being of others. You and your partner have greatly contributed to my well being in many ways.

And thank you Krishnamurti. Perhaps it was you who pushed me over the edge and out of my beautiful beach house to go to Colombo, and find distraction. I ended up finding Jesus–in the movie Godspell. Even though I had to wait 32 years before totally committing my life to  Jesus, I believe that connection with Godspell planted beautiful seeds that were sending down roots deep into my spirit so that the tree of life would be able to later grow out of my heart.

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3 thoughts on “Krishnamurti and I have reconciled after he contributed to me wanting to commit suicide

  1. I appreciate your words of wanting to love all mankind regardless of where each person may be in their spiritual walk as well as how Jesus brought restoration to your life.

    Keep in mind that you can look for similarities between Jesus and all of the other ideologies of different religious groups but be careful not to embrace to the point we say any or all will do regardless of the similarities because the Bible clearly states there is only one way to salvation and that is through Jesus (John 14:6).

    Additionally, the Bible is an inspired writing through man by God so when reading scripture one must do so with the guidance of the Holy Spirit to shine His light on the real meaning of each individual scripture – it’s like mining for Gold – it might take a little time but worth the meditation. Hebrews 4:12 says the Word of God is active and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword. It is Spirit and Life!

    • The bible is a man made book, written by man to control man. The are many paths to the divine. Jesus is not the only way. He was yet one of the many messengers. I like both the teachings of Jesus and Krishnamurti. I have to say that another book that has great teachings of Jesus is the book by Parahansa Yogananda, “The second Coming of Christ”. What makes Parahansa a great messenger of Jesus’s words? Well, the 15 years that Jesus studied in India was left out of the bible intentionally. Jesus studied with the Indian yogi’s who then taught Parahansa what he teaches. So Parahansa may be in the spiritual line of Jesus and his gurus. His books on Jesus have more teachings than the bible. And to me are more accurate. The bible is not the word of God, as it was written by man. And the texts are easily manipulated by negative forces. If you want proof the bible is manipulated, you can look up youtube videos on “Mandella Effect Changes in the bible’ to see that many popular verses are being changed supernaturally in people’s homes.

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