It seems like a long, long time since I wrote my statement of faith 48 hours ago. Two days have passed. I feel more peace than I have ever felt in my life. I have determined that for the first time in my life I am going to keep a journal to see how i am doing on this path of Agape love living. I might just call it agape living for short. Maybe I will even start some kind of website…
Whenever I have made a determination to do something, seems like immediately there are challenges that arise. I determine to use the Nonviolent Communication model consistently–then I get more angry than I ever have gotten with my partner. I decide that I am going to love that cranky person who is always in my face…then he says something that really sets me off and I give him the silent treatment. I decide that I am no longer going to be affected by other people and what they think about me. Then someone doesn’t invite me to a party, and I get all bent out of shape thinking I just don’t belong anywhere. I choose to be happy right where I am at no matter what happens. Then I get short on money and I get terrified of starving to death–or at least not having enough wonderfully healthy food that we are blessed with.
My biggest problem has been that I think, “Why should I deserve a good life since so many people are suffering in the world…and what is stopping any of those horrible things from happening to me?
Having the purpose of living in agape love all the time seems to simplify all of the above. I used to make specific goals of what to do in order to live in love. And that nagging worry that something terrible could happen at any time would rise to the surface when external circumstances seemed challenging. But something has shifted. It is kind of hard to articulate…and besides, I am really tired!
I just know that something has shifted. I am fully committed to changing myself, not to change others. Wow! Now that is true freedom–something that I value highly.
I noticed that as I sent out emails requesting people for help with finding work that I didn’t have the guilty feeling I used to have which manifested in the thought, “People are going to think that the only reason I want to talk to them is because I want something–and maybe it is true!” This time I consciously sent love out to every person I sent messages to. I also was clear that I really want people to tell me when they have needs, and that it is perfectly okay for me to put out my needs. I have contributed greatly in many ways in the past to our community–just now that I am working as sole provider for my family temporarily, it takes a lot more of my energy. Also, since I have decided it is really okay for me to write–that is taking a lot of time.
As I write little notes on facebook, I notice that I am not so self-conscious and wondering what people will think of me. Or, if no one comments, “Oh, no one cares!” What a pleasure it is to put out my thoughts and receive some very nurturing comments…without expectations.
I have connected with many people in the past two days as I put myself out there in love…realizing that I have many friends and people who value me. I have actually been quite delighted and amazed. I realized how in the past I have believed this lie, “no one really likes me and I don’t blame them”. Even though I know it is not true, it seems to be a thought lurking in the subconscious.
I didn’t feel hurt because one of the tellers at the bank was not all that friendly. I am understanding at a cellular level that anyone who doesn’t express love to me is missing out! But not just me–anyone who decides to act “cranky” hurts him or herself. I want everyone to be truly happy–so I feel sad for them.
I took great joy in serving someone today who can sometimes act in ways that are less than nurturing–and I was able to make money at the same time–money which was really needed at this time. She was so delightful–the more empathic listening I gave her, NVC style, the more she got happy and enthusiastic and even funny. I was a little disappointed that she wasn’t overly excited about paying me more than she expected because she kept giving me odd jobs to do. Yet the feeling fell off my shoulders quickly and did not drag me down.
When I found out that an old friend hadn’t communicated with me for a few years because my enthusiasm and large vision felt overwhelming to her–and she took complete responsibility for that–I was shocked that I didn’t even need to grieve the lost time. I was just happy to re-connect!
Even chigger bites and the burning sensation that results from putting vinegar (the best cure!) did not bother me overly much.
It is just too weird…so many occasions that normally I would be irritated, hurt, sad, disappointed, or even angry. I just pray that I will be able to maintain this peace. I think I will always grieve the suffering in the world, and be disappointed and sad because I have a yearning that everyone could live in agape love. I will grieve when I fail to live in agape love–yet I hope with all my heart that I will not lose the trust I have in a loving creator who is especially fond of me (and you) and who is intimately involved in my life…if I let him (or her) be.
I guess the main thing I want to say is this: will you pray for me or send me your positive thoughts and love that I can live in agape love all the time? I would really appreciate that. If you have the same goal, can you let me know? I’d like to pray for you.